Re-Introduction

(Hi guys - just a reminder - am blogging for Funny or Die starting today - sorry if some of this is stuff you already know)

Happy Easter! My name is Rachel Sochney. I live in Maple Grove, MN. I’m a wife, mother of two, and spend most of my time looking for the non-existent escape hatch on this prison ship called my life. I’ve accepted the fact that the delusion of a happy, stable, middle class existence hinges on my ability to keep my sadness, anger and depression to myself. Here’s a little about my family:

Brian, my husband, is a VP of Product Development for Hormel. He’s very handsome and quite possibly sleeping with a married woman who suffers from “stripey hi-lights”. I have not confirmed this, but it is possible because Brian has been forcing us to go to church every Sunday, a sure sign of guilt. He’s in Shanghai for a month opening a new office for Hormel and trying to figure out how to “Chinese-ify SPAM”. His words, not mine.

Cody, my three year old son, has a questionable penchant for décor , fine foods, and dressing like Fred from Scooby Doo. I suspect and hope he is gay. He also loves inappropriate outburst like laughing during the sad part of a movie. When people take me to task to control his behavior, I tell them he is autistic.

Bekka, my daughter, is fat. I’ll watch her take down a whole box of Thin Mints and not even try to stop her. I like to be the skinniest lady in this house. Brian bought her a Sidekick for her birthday, a phone significantly better than mine.

Tyler Cerdus is my ex-boyfriend from high school. He works for an ad agency downtown called Tad Ware & Company. He’s recently divorced and e-mailed me a few weeks ago. We’ve had coffee and several days ago he kissed me after showing me the hilarious video of the news woman eating "it" while stomping grapes. I’ve invented a story about taking a Spanish class on Friday afternoons so I can see him every week. He could be my ticket out, but I can’t let him know that. That would scare him away.

I’m really happy to be guest blogging for Funny or Die. I’d like to end all my posts with a selected video that sums up how I’m feeling. Here’s Sunday’s:

Mauled By a Bear - watch more funny videos

Infirmary

I have food poisoning from a chicken salad sandwich I ate yesterday. I knew the chicken was bad (it was kind of gray), but I was so hungry I couldn't stop. Now today, I am being punished with a dose of vomiting and diarrhea. And guess who had to cancel her coffee date/Spanish class but yet still managed to still do 17 loads of laundry today? Rachel Sochney. Oh I threw up everytime I had to get up to load the washer and dryer, but I did it. The kids were nice to make me chicken noodle soup, that I had to secretly dump down the toilet cause I threw up in it as soon as they left the room. The worst part of it is, I just want to be left alone, in bed, and not move. But that's not the deal, is it God?

From Resentful Mom

From Resentful Mom

No Penny Pinching

I refuse to use coupons. It's not that I disagree with the idea of coupons, I just have to find subtle ways to put it to Brian for controlling the money. If that's the way he wants it, then I'll be the one buying Crest Pro Health Enamel Shield, two at a time. My only other obstacle in my mission to spend as much money as possible is the store brand savings cards. A grocery trip is not complete without a long discussion as to how it only takes a second to fill out, how much I can save today, corporate dribble, corporate dribble. I'm a smart cookie. I know what those cards do. They collect data, then you exist on paper somewhere as a series of products and days of the week and numbers. Then some marketing nerd tries to predict your shopping habits and how to market directly to you. It's a scheme, I see right through it, and it gets in my way of spending Brian's money. Instead of explaining all this to the check out girl, I tell her I can't read. It's much more effective.

Movin' on up

So I got an e-mail from a nice lady named Lauren who works for Funny or Die. I guess someone there forwarded them my blog and they must of thought it was funny, cause I'll be guest blogging for their site Sunday thru Friday! I'll be honest, I'd never heard of their site until three days ago, but after some investigation, I see they are run by Will Farrell and some other people who I am sure are famous in some way or another. I'm not sure how it's going to work yet, but I'll be posting in both places for those 6 days. My first non-paying entertainment job!!

Free at Last

Hormel is opening an office in central Asia. What does that mean to me? One whole month without Brian! He's got to open the office and figure out how to market pre-packaged pork to a culture he calls "ching chongs". Brian is what I call a "self aware racist". He knows he is using racial slurs, but does so only in our house (in front of our kids). As is standard for "self aware racists", he follows any slur with a "just kidding", as if that phrase negates anything said before it. Which it doesn't. So, it's kind of appropriate that he should have to spend an entire month amongst the very people he degrades while I have secret lunch dates with a man who surpasses him in every way.

Getting Saved

I faked being sick today to get out of going to church. I just needed 3 hours myself to think about things, but instead I watched a History Channel special about The Great Depression and then cried cause this stupid documentary trivialized my own weighty problems. It's hard to worry about how I may or may not be tearing my family apart, all while sitting in a four bedroom home we purchased for $475,000, that is almost paid for, when other people right now are loosing their homes and jobs.

Freaky Friday

Can't type long. Taking the kids ice skating. Sat in Tyler's office yesterday and ate Chinese food. Sat on vintage Knoll lounge and ate Chinese food way better than P.F. Chang's. He has a corner office with views of downtown. Beautiful views of the Mississippi River, the Edison Building, 225 South Sixth. Tyler showed me this YouTube video that made me snort (considering the views, you may have already seen it):



And then he kissed me.

Text Massage

This was on my phone this morning. I had to post it before I erased it from my phone:

secret meeting? today? please? i need more rachel. t.

Would it be too suspect if every Friday I paid Kathy to watch the kids? It actually makes sense, if you think about it, cause I've always wanted to "learn Spanish" (be happy), so why not sign up for a three hour "Spanish class" (time with someone I actually like) at the "University of Minnesota‎ Downtown" (Tyler)?

Quick(en)

I just spent three hours of my day trying to get our Bank of America checking account to automatically download transactions to Quicken. The problem has something to do with cookies getting in the way of the new updates. I will say this for the downturn, it has made customer service people, especially those at banks, especially courteous. I was shocked that no one got frustrated with me, resulting in an escalation wherein I start cry screaming, a unique skill I use with customer service people. It's not a skill, I guess, so much as a crack in my fake, mom exterior. All my sadness and frustration and stress coming out in phrases like "caaaan, i, ahh, please, ahh, talk to your suuupervisor (sniff) (blow)."

Now who do I cry to?

Movie Time

I took the kids to see Monsters vs. Aliens today, they really enjoyed it. It was all they talked about the whole way home. I couldn't participate since I exercised the old "kid ditch" where I buy myself a ticket for another movie, playing at the same time as the movie the kids are seeing, and then I let those guys go it on their own. Instead of sitting through "Monsters vs. Aliens" I enjoyed "I Love You Man" and laughed for the first time in three months (not counting my "date" on Friday which I am considering a parallel life in which events are excluded from comparison with my day to day life). The only time the "kid ditch" was a complete failure was when I didn't check the running time of "Happy Feet" and "Casino Royal". They cried for a long time, telling me they thought I had left them. I told them I would never leave them like that. I would, however,sneak out in the middle of the night with a suitcase full of clothes and an address book.