Hollywood here I come

I've been asked to write my blog into a movie idea!!! An agent from Talent People, LLC in Hollywood emailed me a month ago. His name is Sheldon Baskin and I guess someone sent him my blog and he thinks it would make a good movie. So you can imagine, with my job and the kids, Brian and Tyler, I thought I'd never have time to write up my ideas for it. But I managed to make it happen!! I've been devoting all my spare time to it and it's almost done. Can you imagine how fun it would be to see my story up on the big screen with Julia Roberts playing me? No, Kate Bekinsale playing me. Yeah, Kate Bekinsale.

The only problem is, I don't have an ending.

So I have to make one.

Which I am doing this week.

Meddlng Mom

This mom, who works at her daughter's school, logged in and changed her daughter's grades.

Oh boy, here's the worst part, her kids were already getting A's. I can't imagine caring that much.

4th of July

My plans for the 4th are to sit by a pool with a Mai Tai and tan in the sun while Tyler makes sure I have the proper amount of suntan lotion at all time. In reality, Brian bought the kids a pool, so we'll be setting that up then filling it with a hose for God knows how long. I guess we could also do this.

This is the worst excerpt:

Tell kids they can have a party, said Jen Singer of MommaSaid.net, an online community for moms. Let them plan the day's events, allowing them to get excited about the party.But then impose rules, such as they can only eat carrots — no ice cream — and they can only play inside. When they get upset about the rules, explain that's how the patriots felt when England made rules and imposed taxes on Americans.

I guess I'm lucky

I'm lucky that Brian would never buy into this (and he has a girlfriend at work, maybe?). I do not want to be the person responsible for paying the mortgage.

Picture this

They took my photo today at work for their website. I hate taking photos because I know how I like to be photographed (one of those few things in my life I can control) and no one ever does it right. I've had to ask people to take photos of me down from their facebook or school bulletin boards because I was captured at the wrong angle.

This one is meh. I wish I had left those velcro rollers in an hour longer. The kids we're coming down on me pretty hard in the car and I buckled under the weight of their jokes.

From Resentful Mom

New Friend

So I have a new friend here at work. Her name is Jackie Kirkpatrick and, well, she's pretty much the best lady I've ever met in my life. She confided in me last week at lunch that she has an open marriage. Well, it wasn't really confided, she pretty much tells it like it is. Kind of like how I imagine Dolly Parton talks. She told me all about it. How her and her husband don't talk about who they are sleeping with outside the marriage. She told me that she's only had one outside lover from the relationship and that he was kind of a stupid hot guy and how they make the best ones because then you don't want to leave your husband for them. I couldn't tell her about Tyler. Not yet. But I'm really excited about the idea that I could have a girlfriend to talk about all this exciting stuff with!

How Babies Are Made

Where can I get a copy of this book?It would save me a lot of stammering explanations.

Hot lunch

Tyler and I have been having amazing lunches. It seems like we can talk forever and thankfully both our jobs aren't the punch in, punch out types. I just said "our jobs". Wow, I really feel like an adult again. Speaking of feeling like an adult, guess who just gave someone a blow job in a hotel room? That she actually enjoyed. ME!

We are taking it super slow. This was the furthest we've gone and you could tell by the, um, quickness of it all. I'm kind of glad it didn't take a long time. It's best to get first time things over with quickly then next time you can skip the awkwardness and get right to the fun!

Mummy

Ok, time for one of two things. Be nicer to Bekka or leave her for good. This story scares me.

Burning that candle

I can't imagine being a single mom. I mean, if push came to shove, I just wouldn't raise kids myself. I would leave those kids at a church doorstep in a heartbeat. I am barely able to do all mom things I did before I started designing part time again. Which is why I've made an executive decision for the first time in this house - to make Brian take the kids to activities on the days I have off. So, two days a week he has to come home at a reasonable hour and take the kids to some sort of rehearsal. That means I still have to take the kids to things in the evenings of the three three days I work, but in return I am getting two days of actual alone time. Sure I'm doing laundry and dishes, but it's uninterrupted laundry and dishes. Brian tried to tell me he didn't have time to take the kids to their "extra" activities and I said to him "Well, I guess your kids won't be well rounded enough to go to college". Having kids that don't get a higher education is a great weapon against a man who measures everything in degrees, awards and trophies.

Everything happens at once

The partner at my old design firm, Gunkelman FLESHER , called me last week and offered me part time work at my old design firm. His exact words were, "We need you."

He even offered me a new Mac loaded with Photoshop, Illustrator and InteriCAD 6000 so I could work from home, coming into the office one day a week. I told them I would be happy to come into the office three days a week.

So, for the past week I've been designing a new bar for the Chambers hotel. By myself. It's been amazing. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to write about what's going on, but I will certainly keep this blog as updated as I can. I'd like to increase my workload to 5 full days a week. It'll take me a few weeks to blow off the old low self esteem dust, but once I'm warmed up, I can charm the work right out of them.

In the meantime, the kids will be at summer camp.

Paid for by mommy.

Suck on that Brian.

And guess who has a standing Friday lunch with Tyler? This lady (I am pointing two thumbs at myself).

Mommy Dearest

Cody will never let this happen to me. Thank God my son is probably gay.

Passive Aggressive

Tonight is the first night I've had any time to myself since Brian started demanding that we have sex every night. I mean, it's not exactly assault, cause forced-ish sex falls in a gray area when you are married. And normally I don't care since I get that this is part of the deal, but it just feels like he's trying to prove something and that means we're both pretending. And when no one wants it, it's like kid of a waste of my time. Which is why tonight I told him "no". And saying "no" felt good. Except he took it as a challenge and tried to manhandle me. I kept telling him I needed a break but he didn't listen. He wouldn't stop so I punched him in the face. I take kickboxing class and my right hook is amazing considering I've only ever punched my reflection in an aerobics studio mirror. His nose started bleeding and he was so dumbfounded he didn't know what to say. Then I told him he can think about what if someone manhandled his daughter like that and he got the point real fast. He's asleep right now with toilet paper in his nose. What a jerk.

End of Days

School ended today. Goodbye alone time. Goodbye structure. Goodbye Tyler?

Hot Tip

Thanks to one of my readers for sending me this article from the New York Times. One of the best quotes is this:

"Pay attention to your own needs, he writes, back off on your children and everyone will be happier and better adjusted."

Could being a Resentful Mom and hiding my real emotions and desires actually making my kids into terrible people? If so, it's time to stop being polite and start getting real.

What Women Want

One of the many problems with women's magazines is that they are bi-polar. Take for example, this issue of Women's Day.



One one hand, there's a huge, delicious photo of a pie. Which you just want to dive your face right into. It's a strawberry pie because strawberries are in season. But to the left of that is a teaser "Special Report save-your-life health check". Doesn't it stand to reason that if strawberry pies are in season, so are just plain delicious strawberries? That could be one way to save your health. Eating something other than this pie.

Thankfully, I have the "will power" to avoid things like this. And by "will power" I mean self hatred.

555 Pounds of Responsibility

Holy fried fish! Award goes to the mother of this kid for best "Neglectful Mom". Holy sheesh.

Chained for life

Technology and the Internet have just proved that it would be virtually impossible for me to ditch my kids forever.

Early Bird

Saturday mornings made me wish I could get away with spiking the kids breakfast with Jack Daniels. Their bodies are designed with some sort of mechanism that wakes them up earlier on Saturday than on school days. I call it "Up Syndrome". And it's awful. Waking me up at 5:45 on a Saturday, trying to use their cuteness for evil, evil things like asking me to make them pancakes, taking them to the park, or worse, much worse, putting together the Pig Chef puzzle.

From Resentful Mom

To catch a cheat

I found out today why we can't send the kids to camp. The bank called me today to ask me about a charge on our account. It was for $568 at a place called Jewels Spa and when I asked what it was for the customer service rep said "Couples massage".

It sure wasn't me having that couples massage. Time to investigate our finances. Secret style. I may have stumbled upon my way out.

From Resentful Mom