Sex and the Suburbs

Denise offered to watch the kids today while I went to lunch with some friends. I suspect her only reason being that she wanted the freedom to be on EBay and didn't want me knowing about it. So we met at Houlihan's and predictably, after everyone ordered virgin Cosmopolitans, they all started in on Sex and the City and who they were (Carrie, Miranda, etc. I said I was Ms. Garrett from "The Facts of Life") I never liked Sex and the City. I think they cast that show with ok looking women who acted pretentious so that ok looking women viewers wouldn't be offended by their cartoonish behavior and the husbands of these viewers wouldn't be attracted to the characters. Sex and the City was an ok looking womens' little coveted treasure. And now it's gone and there's nothing to replace it. So they talk about it, like a deceased friend, sipping drinks that are devoid of fun, and talking like city girls. I enjoyed watching them, "do" their little play, withholding juicy info on my new relationship with Tyler which would have made their year.

From Resentful Mom

Ebay Crazay

Where to start? Well, this is the first time I've been able to use the computer in four days. I guess Denise only has 56K Dial up at her home, so once she figured out how fast our service is here, she jumped right on EBay. You see, Denise is a hoarder. It's her dirty little secret. When you first step foot in her house everything seems in order. But upon further inspection, when you open drawers or closets, her dysfunction is in plain sight. Her number one item, depression era milk glass. She buys it like it's crack cocaine. And EBay's her pusher who has lots of product. So for four days she's been at the computer, sweating through her pant suits, hoping she wins auction after auction. She stopped today because she got a light sensitive headache from staring at the screen for so long. Although she's on the computer all day and night, at least she's not criticizing my appearance. I've found her weakness. And yes, I mean to use it against her.

From Resentful Mom

Sheeeeeee's Heeeeer

Brian's mom arrived today. Just in time to drink coffee on the patio and watch me put together the kids new swing set Brian bought on line (it's the top photo, the one with an irrational number of races represented). She just sat there, complaining about the couple next to her on the plane who insisted on watching the "raunchy movie with Woody from Cheers." After several guesses as to what the movie was and Denise's last minute addition of "bowling movie", I guessed "King Pin" to which she responded "Sure", as if she the whole time she was pressuring me to figure out the name she really could have cared less. All this before she even unpacked.

And she doesn't miss a beat. She flew right into why I didn't have non-dairy powdered creamer. Didn't I know she was coming? Didn't I know she only takes powder creamer in her coffee? Didn't I know how hard it was for her to enjoy the coffee with regular milk in it? Then she proceeded to pull out two packs of non-dairy powdered creamer out of her purse and put it in her coffee. The order of her actions confused me and made me so angry that later, when I was checking my e-mail, I did some research about powdered creamer. Apparently, when suspended in air, it's flammable. Good to know.

From Resentful Mom

PS - I gave my site a little face lift. A new subtitle in the title bar and new Twitter and Digg features. Please use them. I stayed up from 10:30 to 12:30 learning how to do them, then I got up at 5:30. I am "sleep upright at a stop light" tired.

My Hero

Last Sunday, after listening to her children bicker in the back seat of a car for God knows how long, Madlyn Primoff, told her kids to get the f out of her car. The 12 year old caught up to the speeding car, but the 10 year old's tiny little legs couldn't make it happen, so she was picked up by a passer by and taken to the police. When Madlyn came to get her daughter, she was arrested for child endangerment.

Madlyn, hats off to you. You're a resentful mom who wears her resentment proudly. This lady, from the NYT article, says it best:

"CHERYL KESSNER, a social worker who raised five children, said Ms. Primoff made a mistake, but the girls were left, for however long, in a safe commercial district, not a dangerous neighborhood. She said the reaction was as much about the overly anxious, safety-obsessed standards of suburbia as Ms. Primoff’s flawed judgment."

I'm sorry you're probably going down for this Madyln. Those throwing stones at you are surely as guilty of doing the same thing to their kids. But if they throw stones at you, they can place themselves safely on the side of "good parent". They are not brave enough to defend you. But Rachel Sochney will.

From Resentful Mom

Baby Crazy!

Who would buy this you ask? Ladies who have had several miscarriages (probably including the doll's artist Sherry Rawn). Only tragedy like that can make a woman so blind to the reality that tiny babies can't make such complicated expressions or hold their own heads up.

From Resentful Mom

Cody, is that you?

This kid bears a striking resemblance to my son Cody. Lipstick and all.

From Resentful Mom

Talk Talk

This is a conversation Bekka and I had yesterday about the children's book "The Tail of Emily Windsnap":

Bekka: So the girl Emily, her mom, let's her take swim lessons and her legs stick together in the water so one night she goes to the pier and swims and her legs turn into a tail.

Me: Oh, wow, how great would that be? Huh? To just swim away from home whenever you want. I bet sometimes you wish you could just run away.

Bekka: No I like it here. Emily lives on a houseboat and I wouldn't like that. It would rock all the time.

Me: But if you ran away, er swam away, you could do whatever you wanted. Think about it.

Bekka: But my legs can't so that mom.

Me: But if they could, would you swim away?

Bekka: I guess that would be fun.

Me: That's all I wanted to know. I mean, you shouldn't run away, but you know, it's natural to want to run away from your parents. But you shouldn't. But don't feel bad for thinking it or trying it. But don't. You understand?

Bekka: You're weird.

Me: Sure, we'll call what I am "weird".

Magazine Madness

I just got my scanner to work so I'm going to get caught up on all the ridiculous things I've been pulling out of mom magazines that I wanted to share.

This one I call "Ty Money-gton". I don't understand how Ty Pennington is qualified to be a spokesperson for baby formula.

From Resentful Mom

If this ad could talk:
"Hey, don't I help make people's dreams come true? Well I think that says it all for Similac baby formula and why you should buy it."

From Resentful Mom

Lost

We had to go to Brookdale Mall today to get Cody new khaki pants. First of all, going to the mall with kids rapes the mall experience of all its fun. To slow the kids down a bit, I always let them eat two Cinnabons (see attached photo) each. I guess in the Cinnabon excitement they forgot where I was sitting. After 10 minutes I figured they were in the hands of a responsible mall employee, so I decided to pop into the Gap and try on some cute striped sweaters in peace. I paid with the cash back I got at the grocery store since I am not allowed to buy clothes without Brian’s approval. I was heading to Macy’s for Bobbi Brown mascara when I heard the announcement for the “mom of Bekka and Cody” to report to the security center. It always makes me laugh when I am reminded that the kids don’t know my first name.

On the way home I asked Bekka why she didn’t use her new Sidekick to text me where they were and she said my phone number isn’t in her phone. I left it at that. She’ll hit me up for it if she wants it, until then, if ain’t broke, you know?

From Resentful Mom

Full Frontal

Today I went to"Spanish Class", aka "The affair I am having with my high school boyfriend Tyler". I met him at Koyi Sushi Bar (so fancy) and had salmon sushi for the first time since college (Brian thinks sushi is pretentious, even though he drives a 6 series BMW while I drive a mini van). I couldn't stop eating it! It was like butter if butter was made out of fish flesh. When the bill came it was $168 dollars!! That's more than I have saved in the secret bank account I keep from Brian. Tyler picked it up and said he had this cause "it's business". "What business?" I asked. Then he took me to Graves Hotel 601 and said "This business". Instead of giving in to the obviously awesome situation that was about to happen, I just started crying. I was instantly overwhelmed. It's hard to enjoy sex with a hot successful guy who likes you when you know your kids are staring out a window waiting for you to rescue them from a house that smells vaguely like rusting metal. I was prepared for him to slowly back away, most guys can't handle when women cry, but he sat with me and just let me cry. He didn't even try to pull a "it's going to be ok" on me. He just held me. Then he started crying. He admitted it was too soon to be doing this, but he misses me so much and just wanted to be with me, not at a restaurant or in his office. It was so sad. And really sexy. But also sad. But sexy too.

Flight of the Conchords - I'm Not Crying from Flight of the Conchords