Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Injurycation (pt. 5) - Reasons Why

Saturday morning I woke up with a killer knee brace and Tyler asleep in a cot, next to me. Sometimes it can ruin a person to watch them sleep. Drooling on a pillow, snoring, mouth agape, farting. But Tyler sleeps like a doll. Hands under his pillow, head facing me, mouth closed, taking quiet, purposeful breaths. Beautiful.

And sad. Sad because things are so very complicated. And it's all my fault. Everyone's in this mess because of me and my heroic ideas of what a spouse and family should be. Well, to be honest, it's really my sister's fault.

When I was 13, my mother and I returned from voice lessons to find my 17 year old sister Juliette tied to a dining room chair and shot execution style. You can watch as many crime shows as you like. You can not recreate the complete shut down your body experiences when you find someone you love dead. You instantly feel responsible, like there's something you could have done.

My father came home later from his office in downtown Chicago and upon hearing the news, instantly went to work on a heavy drinking problem. The Winnetka police were quickly replaced by the FBI, but ultimately they couldn't build a case against anyone and they were on to the next big crime. My family quickly dissolved after that. My father buried himself in his work at his engineering firm and his bottle at Meier's Tavern and my mother, well, she married another man. It must have been hard to look at my father. Juliette looked just like him.

In college I thought this was my chance to make my own stable family. I chose Brian, who I thought would be reliable, and for the most part I was right. And together we would make a safe, even tempered life for us and some kids. A nice, steady, uneventful, safe life. But I realized, after Tyler came back into my life, that stability is dysfunctional. Nothing in life is stable and to think so is delusional. And what you sacrifice for "stability" is happiness, excitement, and change. I built this prison accidentally, with my own good intentions. And maybe one day, I can break it down. But for right now, I have to live in in-between land.

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