Monday, March 23, 2009

Baby Shower!

I needed a full day to wash away the shame of Georgie's humiliating baby shower games before I could write about it. Good thing I came prepared with my flask shaped like a cell phone. Here's a short recap of the stupid games I was subjected to.

Guess Mom's Tummy Size: Everyone cuts a string they think will be the measure of the mother-to-be's stomach. I cut mine really long, to insinuate that Georgie was huge. People did not think that was funny.

Never say "Baby": Everyone wears a demeaning yarn necklace of safety pins. Whenever someone says "baby", you call her out for breaking the one rule of "Never Say Baby" and then she has to give you one of her pins.It was the only competitive game of the afternoon and it didn't matter that I was aggressive and angry when playing it. I won.

Who Can Make The Mother-To-Be's Baby: Everyone goes through magazines and they cut and paste from different ads parts of a baby to put together a collage of what they think the baby will look like. I made my baby have a Ziplock bag for a head. Deborah laughed, no one else did.

Guess The Gerber's: Adults eat unlabeled baby food and try and guess what the food is. I don't eat carbs, so I didn't play.

Bottle Races: Grown women race to finish drinking from a baby bottle. I pointed out that bottles are just man made versions of human breasts, so in essence they are sucking on a teet. That killed the game. Hooray!

During a rousing game of "Guess Whose Baby Photo is Whose" I found solace in my safe place, the bathroom. I pretended that I didn't feel well before I excused myself. That bought me at least 30 minutes, so I took a 15 minute power nap on their shower rug, and then while I was checking out their medical goods I found herpes medicine under her sink. And guess what, I don't think Georgie is having a C-Section, which means that baby's first taste of the outside world is the taste of herpes, whatever that tastes like.

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