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I was reading the story about the woman in Louisiana who traded her two kids for a bird, and it got me thinking. What would I trade my kids for? Here are some possible scenarios:

1. A South American man wants to buy my children for slavery at $10K a piece. I negotiate $25K for both, move to the Netherlands and marry an architect named Kareltje who goes down on me without provocation. We live in the grote steden of Groningen in a home that comes as close as it can to embodying all the ideals of the De Stijl movement. The lack of clutter makes me happy, and I live a life of never stepping on shit lying around the house again.

2. A woman of 48, who has never been able to conceive, offers me a Mercedes, a condo in downtown Miami, and an untethered life of sexual based relationships. I concede, and wish my children "Good luck". Living with a woman who has experienced a good 28 years of sterility will be tough, but it's not my problem. I'll be living it up in the sun, taking it from all angles from young boys there on Spring Break.

And as for Brian. Well, let's be honest, without the kids I am free from any real obligations to him. Marriage is just a piece of paper. Kids are the Saran wrap that preserves the union, forever, the unnatural seal keeping you in constant distress and crushing any hope of escape.