Sunday, February 22, 2009

Hello Mrs. Nicholson!

I've secretly hated Kathy Nicholson, my chubby one dimensional neighbor for her toothy smile, her overuse of the phrase "Things have a way of working themselves out" and her constant bragging about her stupid, clean silver Toyota Sienna. Adding to that, last week I realized she and her whole garbage pile of a family have been stealing our wireless Internet! Our Internet had been really slow, which happened to coincide with her two awful waste of space kids getting their own computers. I put on my detective hat (also known as a VO5 Hot Oil treatment) and thought about what to do. I googled how to see what IP addresses are accessing our router. Then today I read about how to set up a WEP password and then set my laptop, Brian's laptop, and the kids PC to use the new user name and password (I called our network "Team Family". It's an ironic name, but Brian and the kids think it's sincere and love it so I won't rain on their parade.)I was really proud of myself for succeeding at something that didn't involve excrement or food. Not one hour after I shut down the free Internet train, I got a knock on my door. It was Kathy, standing on my porch in a too-tight peach colored Pink by Victoria's Secret jumpsuit and holding a baked pie! She had the nerve to ask me if we'd be interested in splitting the Internet costs with her and her family, you know, the "recession and all". I wanted to tell her to stick that store bought apple pie right up her fat ass cause I don't eat carbs, bitch. But what I actually said was "How nice!" in my high pitched lady squeal (only other ladies can hear it) and told her I would talk to Brian about it since "I don't know the first thing about Internets". I will continue to lie to her face when she asks me about it until she gives up and gets her own god damned Internet. Which I will in turn steal. Just cause. I'm already googling how to slow an Internet connection down.

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